It was the night before the primary school allocations came out.
Mum was a nervous wreck.
“I am a nervous wreck,” said Mum.
“Please,” said Chip. “Don’t try and suddenly feign an interest in our education. I was out of the house from 8am on Monday until 7pm on the Friday three weeks later, and all you had to say was ‘Did you have a nice day at school, dear?’ Where the fuck do you think we go to school? Mars?”
It was nearly Easter. The children were at school.
“We are going to put on a play,” said Mrs May.
“Oh god,” said Chip. “This never ends well.”
It was nearly the Easter holidays.
The children were being whingy little bastards.
“I hate you,” said Biff.
“No, I hate you,” said Chip.
“No, I hate you,” said Kipper.
Biff hit Chip. Chip scratched Kipper. Kipper weed on Biff’s leg.
“Shut the fuck up, you whingy little bastards,” said Mum.
Biff and Chip were at school.
“Today we are going to the swimming pool,” said Mrs May. “We are going to have a swimming lesson. Now that you have been having lessons for a whole term you should all be able to swim.”
“Hooray!” cheered the children.
“Oh fuck,” said Biff and Chip. Biff and Chip had not been having swimming lessons for a whole term. Biff and Chip hadn’t even made it to registration for the last seven weeks.
It was nearly Mother’s Day.
‘All I want for Mother’s Day,’ said Mum, ‘is five minutes’ peace.’
‘Five minutes’ peace?’ said Chip. ‘What do you mean, five minutes’ peace? We’ve been out of the country for the past seven days fighting vampire warlords and all you said when we came back was “Did you have a nice day at school?” You don’t need five minutes’ peace. You need a watch and a sense of your children’s whereabouts.’
Biff and Chip brought a letter home from school.
The letter said that Mrs May would be teaching the children about sex.
‘What’s sex?’ asked Kipper.
‘You don’t need to know,’ said Mum.
‘I know what sex is,’ said Kipper. ‘Sex is RUDE. I know about sex. Chip, you have a penis, and Biff, you have a vagina.’
Biff and Chip looked appalled.
Mum had had enough.
‘I’ve had enough,’ said Mum. ‘Dad is going to have to go.’
Dad was sad.
‘Why do I have to go?’
‘Because,’ said Mum, ‘you are a fucking liability.’
Biff and Chip had a spelling test. They brought the list of spelling words home from school with them.
‘What are those?’ asked Mum.
‘These are our spellings,’ said Biff.
‘We have to learn them for a test,’ said Chip.
‘But you don’t do work at school,’ said Dad. ‘You just do plays.’
The school sent a letter home about World Book Day.
The children were allowed to dress up as their favourite characters from books.
Biff and Chip were very excited.
Mum was not.
‘What is your favourite book?’ Mum asked Biff and Chip.
‘I don’t really like reading books,’ said Biff.
‘Is a computer game a book?’ said Chip.
‘Fuck my life,’ said Mum.
It was time for Biff and Chip to have their SATs at school.
Mum was worried.
Mum did not think that Biff and Chip would do well in their SATs.
Neither did Biff and Chip.
Biff and Chip had an attendance level of 35%.
“We are basically fucked”, thought Biff and Chip.